There are so many unfortunate people in the world. People without gifts for Christmas. Even without food or clothing. But mostly soooo sad because they can't give advice as good as I can.
Good Advice #1: Check who the Santa is before you head down the show of lights in a local neighborhood where Santa is handing out candy canes. Cuz kids are smart and they will prollyfigure out that Santa's first name is not Bryce and his last name is not Allred. And he isn't a teenager. ::sigh::
Good Advice #2: As your kids get older you must find better places than last year to hide the gifts before you wrap them. (yes I AM behind in my wrapping!!! so what!) But in case that happens it is perfectly fine for you to let your 10 year old think he is getting a huge bucket ofDuplo blocks for Christmas. Serves him right.
Good Advice #3: BUY a FAKE TREE next year if you haven't already. Trust me on this. If you follow no other AskMemzy advice..........ever............you must follow this one. Real tree=buy every year, gotta find the right size, sooooper grouchy husband trying to get it straight, a little to the left, feel the christmas spirit yet?, dirty, needles everywhere, small animals living in it, try to untangle the lights, try to get the lights on evenly, these lights are TANGLED!, water every day, who forgot to water this tree?!, try to take to the trash, needles all over your house. ::sigh:: Fake tree= buy on sale (pay only once y'all) after Christmas, get exactly the right size, get exactly the right width, branches are perfectly symmetrical, pre-lit, take out and put up by yourself, pieces fit together perfectly, branches fall open on their own, reeeeeally happy hubby doesn't have to help, no dirt, no needles falling, lights perfectly even around the whole tree,beautimus. ::happy glow:: Once you go fake you won't go back.
**I would like to publicly apologize to my hubbykins for the first 9 years of our marriage making him buy a real tree and put it up. But you are not off the hook yet on putting up the lights on the outside of the house. Until somebody comes up with a pre-lit house I can buy**
Now on to you little Christmas Elves. What kind of advice do you need from the best advice giver in the world?
15 comments:
Dear Memzy,
I always have the best intentions of making Holiday Treats and dropping them off to about a kazillion friends and neighbors during the week of Christmas. Any quick tips for extinguishing guilt for a busy (or, er, lazy) elf this year?
Are elves supposed to feel guilty?
P.S.
One of my favorite places ever to hide gifts . . . inside empty suitcases.
Dear memzy,
This is a REAL problem:
What do I do when I want to buy my daughter an Ipod for Christmas but know that the daddy elf would not approve of the cost? Do I do it anyway and blame it on Santa and deny any knowledge or do I skip it and continue to not let her borrow mine when she whines?
You really only need to put the lights up once.
How do you get out of your steep, no mountainous, snow and ice covered, driveway to buy a snow shovel to shovel it?
Trapped inside indefinitely, in Boise.
What do you do when your 5 year old learns Santa is a scam then tells all his other 5 year old friends thus ruining Christmas for them and making their parents mad at you?
Dear Memzy,
I went fake two years ago and people have noted how remarkably happier I've been ever since. Even in July.
Is it OK to not have a super Christmassy Christmas this year? I just got back from a cruise and I'm just not "feelin' it." Will my kids be scarred for life? They did tons of fun Christmas stuff with the families they stayed with and I'm thinkin' that was enough. I mean, I'm even thinking crayzeee thoughts like pizza on Christmas day and stuff like that.
The Anti-Elf
Dear AskMemzy,
Is wrapping up an IOU an ok gift, especially since you would have totally bought something but because your snowed in (and a procrastinator) there is no chance that you'll be able to get to the store before Christmas?
Snowedinandlovingit, in Oregon
p.s. fake...really??? But what about the real tree smell??? Or the smell of your house after you've vacuumed up Christmas tree needles????
I'm with you on the fake tree. I've even gone so far as to leave the decorations on the tree and Gus carries the whole thing down to the basement each year and then back up all put together. We lose a ball or two each year and eventually I'll have to add something more to it, but so far I'm lovin' it!
What do you do about whimpy sons who are too scared to drive to your house in the snow for Christmas Eve?
Dear Lazy Elf--It's the thought that counts. Just email all the peeps you were planning on making goodies for and tell them you WERE going to. Done deal. And elves don't feel guilty. They revel in their NON-chrissmassy laziness.
Queso--That IS a real problem. You should tell your hubby that you are the breadwinner so you get to decide how much to spend on the present. But make sure you bought it first so you can't return it with all the snow and stuff going on.
Trapped Inside in Boise--Call you father in law to come snow blow it for you. Cuz I think your MIL will agree to that if it will get you to her house.
Emily--Claim it was a naughty elf that told him and why don't they just reLAX and eat their christmas goodies you just regifted them.
Anti-Elf--Considering pizza is one of kids favorite foods, it would be totally acceptable to have it for christmas dinner. Remember you are talking to a girl who ate Thanksgiving dinner at IHOP last year. One of the best Thanksgivings ever.
Snowdinandlovingit--IOU's are just as good as gift cards. Basically better. And who's gonna argue with being snowed in?
ps. YES fake. The goods FAAAAAR out weigh the "smell of pine". Just get yourself a pine smelly candle and revel in your smartness.
Mary--I LURV your idea of keeping the ornaments on! Wimpy sons deserve a spanking......or a flanking. Or have Gus go over and snowblow their excuses away.
Ask Memzy,
I am really sick (I think I might have strep throat). Should I drive myself to the doctor even though I feel really dizzy?
PukeFace
I've been buying a real tree for 10 years now. You've almost got me converted. We'll see!
PukeFace--Ewe. I had strep last Christmas and it sucked. Get on those antibiotics as soon as poss. You won't be sorry.
MM--Trust me. I know stuff.
Jen....I just went through my second round of strep this MONTH. GET DRUGS! Call your VT's (or HT's, or sister or someone) and GO TO THE DOCTOR!
Memz...with ya on the fake tree. And, when Sam was Santa at the ward party, I overhead one of his fans tell her mom, "Mom, that's not Santa, that's that guy that I always say 'Hi' to!"
Advice needed... Can I just go to bed and wake up last week sometime so that I can catch up? Being sick twice really got me behind, and I'm tired and not done yet.
Also, am I horrible because I told my SIL that I'm not driving to Bako again on Christmas? I just really don't wanna go anywhere...
Shel--If you find that special pill that can make you go to bed and wake up a week before, be sure to pass that along to me. And you are NEVER required to travel somewhere on a holiday unless you WANT to. End of story.
After Amy solved my snowed in problem (not thanks to you) I have a new question.
Is cheesecake and cream cheese filled cookies too much for one evening? Especially since that will probably be two of the three deserts? Can rice crispy treats be festive? mmmmm...cheese based goodies...::slobering grossly all over the keyboard::
Dear Memzy, I just want to say how dedicated I am to my fake tree. Dwight ran over it one year (cuz we were both thinking the other should put it away, and it ended up on the garage floor, so he just drove over it) Then the next year I electrocuted myself about 10 times when I was spreading out the branches and touched all the broken bulbs. But, 3 years later, I still have the same tree and it's all good. They are like everlasting gobstoppers. Fake tree=Great advice!
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