Listen, I realize that there are people out there with high IQ's. Geniuses, if you must. But none of them can come close to the kind of irreplaceable knowledge that I share with you. I know things that Einstein could never even come close to understanding (like, for example, why you should never try to use a potato masher to knead bread dough). I mean, Bill Gates knows computers. But does he know which is the best song to listen to on the Twilight sound track when you are grumpy? NO, I say. And so do you. That's why you come here for advice. Cuz I give it good. Snatch!
Good advice #1: Starbucks hot chocolate is NOT for the faint of heart. It is a dark, very rich, not too sweet caloric Mt Everest (and don't even get me started on Mt. Everest cuz when I see those Discovery channel shows about doods trying to climb it, I just get ticked off---don't they have families at home who want them to LIVE?!!). So, don't be a pansy. If you want hot chocolate on a cold Bakersfield day (ie. 47 degrees) go aaaaall the way. Trust me on this one (especially you dark chocolate lurvers out there).
Good advice #2: Wearing the same jeans 3 (or maybe 5) days in a row is called "good homemaking short cuts". Not only does your favorite jeans that go with everything make you feel comfy, but you save yourself extra laundry that week. Try that, it works. Just make sure to change the top portion of your outfit now and again in case you run into the same friends 2 or 3 times that week. They'll never notice. Especially your hubby. (ps. you might want to wash them at least once a week, you know, for good measure).
Good advice #3: Micheal's craft store is a glorious place of Christmas bliss. Don't forget to hit the dollar bins where you can find anything from silly putty to temporary tattoos (come on, if i could change one thing about my youth it would be the lack of temporary tattoos) to spiderman notebooks for stocking stuffers. And then,...THEN you find the Martha Stewart aisle, which will make you WANT to be crafty and/or scrapbook even though you know very well that you are incapable of such feats. Or, OR, check out the pre-packaged gingerbread house making kits and imagine all the "Christmas-spirit-infused" family time with the kids while listening to Christmas music. And there is puff paint. And candle making. And foam wreaths. All this while the Christmas tunes are being piped in over the speakers and your eyes are being given visual heroin amongst all the decorations!!! ::hysterical partly psychotic giggle::
It's true you gize. Just try it out. I promise.
On to your questions. I'm ready to answer.
15 comments:
You had me at puff paint.
Dear AskMemzy,
When did Bette Middlers "From A Distance" become a Christmas song? It certainly doesn't put me in the Christmas spirit yet the radio station that plays Christmas music all day so long plays that song over and over and over again.
Sincerely,
Confused and Deflated Christmas Spirit in Nampa.
Do the people who hold those 'shame on ....' signs on the sidewalks in front of different businesses have nothing better to do then stand there and look stupid? Am I the only one who wants to yell, "Get a Job?"
Annoyed in Bako
Dear AskMemzy,
What do you do if you have three books on hold at the library, and none of them are in yet, and your DVR is full of shows you are waiting to watch when your hubby comes back into town. You know, so you can watch them together?
Bored out of her freakin' mind in Eagle
I have no questions as they were all answered in your opening statement. LOVE THAT OPENING STATEMENT!!!! Great wisdom there and I never miss it.
Confused and Deflated-- Bette Middler's song "From A Distance" is NOT a Christmas song. Not only that but it is quite possibly the worst song EVAH. Your radio station must have caught the borderline-down syndrome disease. Give me their number and I will call and set them straight.
Annoyed in Bako--I saw no less than THREE "shame on..." signs today while driving to Barnes and Noble. These people holding the signs have been asked to look stupid by their psychic advisor. Which also makes them even more stupid for having a psychic advisor.
Bored out of her mind-- I find it cruel and unusual punishment to have to wait to watch TV shows until your hubby gets back. I even wrote a paper on that in, like, 5th grade so I know. It's just wrong on so many levels. As far as the books are concerened-- try harrassing the librarian.
Mary-- I do it all for you people. It's my pleasure. ::wink::
My question is -- When I finally do decide to wash my comfy jeans (after at least 7 wearings), how do I get them back on to stretch them out and make them comfy again? They only come up to mid-thigh at the moment! Is there a solution, or should I just donate them to someone that can actually get them on and button them after a washing?
Vanessa--Do NOT give up on your comfy jeans. Just suck it in aaaaall the way. Then once you get them buttoned up do several sets of squats (all the way to the ground) until they are back to that "comfy" stage. This might take a few minutes but just be patient and turn on the TV while you re-comfify.
You never disapoint with your awesome advice.
How about posting a couple of your favorite holiday baked yummies?
recipes that is.
Katie's about-face when it comes to reading surprises and delights me!
DearAskMemzy,
What do you do if you had this huge Christmas surprise for a group of people and one sneaky little elf found out about it and asked "what's this? Can i have it?" and you were like "ah crap! there goes all the Christmas joy?" And how the H do you think that elf found out about it?
Sincerely,
JennyClaws
Emily--I can do that. But I'll do it tomorrow mmkay?
JennyClaus-- I have no idea what you are talking about.
I just came back to read the responses from you, and had to laugh really really hard because I tried today to put on some freshly washed jeans to day that I had actually put in the drier because I thought I was skinny enough to do that. It has been 6 hours now, and they are just starting to cozy up. I am sure i could have done it in 3 hours if I had those squatting tips.
Oh, and one more thing...
I just found out from a friend that her sister wants to make her blog private because of me...should I be offended?
Dear AskMemzy,
So what song DO you listen too from the Twilight soundtrack when you're grumpy? Or aych-ey? Or lonely? Or giddy? I need to know cuz this is the new soundtrack for my life an I wanna let the powers above that be know what song to play when as we rewatch my life after I die.
Also, is is stupid or sage advice for WW online to tell Gty to "slow down his weight loss?" I mean, right?
Twilighting in Denvah.
Katie--not only should you not be offended, but proud. Right?
Landee--
grumpy=muse, supermassive lonely=track 2 full moon
ayche=linkin park
giddy=iron and wine, flightless bird (can also be applied to lonely if i feel like a good cry)
Dear ask memzy,
Even though it is Wednesday, I would like to know how much is too much time reading and commenting on blogs when I am supposed to be working?
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