YOU WANT IT........YOU GOT IT.
"There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise." -Gore Vidal
^^That guy is really smart....almost as smart as me. So, need some advice? Should I put black or white shoelaces with these Keds? Is it ok to substitute my regular hair conditioner with Olive Oil? Can that Mr. Clean Magic Eraser REALLY wipe anything off my walls (and speaking of that why isn't there a MRS. Clean?)?
You've got questions. AkMemzy has the answers.
Lets start off the day with the usual tid-bits of random advice shall we?
Good Advice #1: How to save money and gas in these economic times? Rather than making many short trips all over town to run your errands, consolidate them into one trip to Target, and make your husband go, in his car. Or, public transportation is a great way to get around,.... especially if you like homeless people and being late. People who drive Hummers are tools with inferiority complexes. I don't have a gas-saving tip here to go with that one, I just wanted to mention it.
Good Advice #2: You can only "fake the conversation" so long with a 4 year old. When you are driving in the car and they are saying things like, "Momma, who has grosser beyud (blood): monsters, aliens, or ghosts?".....or....." Momma, do you member my friend that one day who wants to have a pyaydate with me?"......you can only say things like, "uh-huh,.........I don't know,......yeah,........or really" before they catch on. Don't try it for too long or your kid will end up yelling from his booster seat, "Momma stop SAYING THAT every time!" Then they might foster resentment for the rest of their lives. I'm guessing you can get away with it for at least a month before they catch on and some kid might take longer. Feel it out to be sure.
Good Advice #3: I read recently in the news that astronomers have predicted a meteorite (falling star) that will be entering the earth's atomosphere that is the size of a car. This new technology allows scientists to predict exactly when and where we would be able to see this gynormous falling star. Don't wish on this star. That is cheating.
So, now it's your turn. Bring your questions and I will answer. Cuz I give good advice. But you already knew that.
31 comments:
Is there any way in the world to stop my 8 year old son from yelling (at the top of his lungs) "I'm a BUTT, WOOP! WOOP!" over and over all morning long while I am trying to fix breakfast, hair and lunches, the dog is barking at everyone that comes to the door and toddlers are following me around saying "dink? dink?" In all of your wisdom, Memzy, do you know how to make this stop ?
Where is me family room pillow? There are six of them and now there are only five? I mean I HATE pillows anyway, but you have to have them.
signed, unstuffed in Bako
one more question - how much is enough already ?
what should I blog about today? (i'm gonna shorten that to wsibat from now on, MmK?)
I KNEW there was a reason I should get out of bed today!! Here's my question(s). How do I tell my 9 year-old that her hair and clothes look ridiculous and she should NOT walk out the door looking that way? And, how do I cope with the inevitable wrath of raging 13 year-old hormones?
What is the correct response to the twentieth "pleasepleasepleaseplease" followed by "I promise" after saying no to your daughter twenty times?
Jonesey: There is a simple way to make it stop. Choice A: First, calmly sit down in the middle of the kitchen floor, slowly roll over onto your side, curl into the fetal position and begin to suck you thumb. It helps if you whimper every other breath or so. Choice B: Drop everything you may be holding in your hands, start clucking like a chicken as loud as possible and make sure to use your arms and legs to make it more chicken-like. Either of these options is sure fire since I practice what I preach......I know they work.
Br Boys: Check your bedroom. I believe the "biting pillows" section of the night might have gotten out of hand while you weren't paying attention.
Jonesey: How much is enough? It comes to about $1.89 for a Route 44 at Sonic. You want me for to bring you one?
Jenny ESP: Today you should blog about who your favorite kid is and why. Cuz we all have one, don't deny it.
Emily: This one is hard because I am going through the same thing with my 10 year old who "cares" what he looks like right now, which happens to be "sk8tr chic". My advice to you is this: Smile through clenched teeth and say "have a good day" while you take a picture. Documentation is VERY important. Then share with us the results in a post entitled "Look how cute my kids are!". And after she leaves for school try to wipe the image out of your head by looking at pictures of yourself at that age. Rinse and Repeat. As far as raging hormones goes.......I'm askeered as you are. Hormones are bad, very bad (read: my monthly break out session is happening right now). I'm hoping to pawn that one off on Shed so you do the same. Go husbands!!
Queso dip: The correct response is no. But since you've already said it 20 times I suggest just completely ignoring the kid until she starts to say something else.
Dear AskMemzy,
I have a daughter who is totally attached to a certain pink blankie. It is currently disgustipating. How should I go about getting it washed? Do I sneak it into the wash and then when she asks where it is pretend I don't know (also give some kind of lecture here regarding keeping track of your own things just to really sell it)? Or do I tell her I put it in the wash & deal with whatever rage ensues? Come what may & love it?
Soap Sudsingly yours,
LaundryLovuh
1.89- got it- thanks for the offer - i like that chicken idea - i'll try it soon - i think i've got our good friend the pillow biter roped into being my "sodagirl" for today !!
Is the plural of bluetooth bluetooths or blueteeth ?
I got three for you.
1. How come birds can touch the electrical wires and people can't?
2. What makes superman able to fly on earth?
3. How did the very first heavenly father come about?
I need to know before I pick up my kids. I told them I would tell them after school, cuz I was just too tired in the morning to think. (Good stall?)
Laundry Lovuh-- I would prefer the method of sneaking it out of the kids sight when they weren't looking and then pretending you don't know where it is. But I've also had a kid sit staring in the window of the dryer waiting for said blankie to appear so I've done both. I'm thinking, for today, tell her she is gonna wait awhile for it to be washed and have your video camera ready. Cuz all of us bloggers deserve to relive this with you on the interweb.
Jonesey- The plural of bluetooth is "you-are-crazy-to-have-more-than-one-bluetooth". But you can use "bluetooths" if you don't wanna draw attention to yourself.
Hot Pants-
1. It's cuz birds aren't really alive. They are, in fact, robots sent here from aliens to spy on us. I mean, have you seen how creepy birds are? (I have a post coming up about that in the future).
2. Superman can fly on earth because he wears those painted on tights and uneroos. Doyee. Must I tell you people everything?
3. I'm not touching that with a 10 foot pole. Tell you kids AuntAskyMemzy said that.
I have all kinds of issues today - But I would like permission -plaeaseandthankyou- to eat party food on a tuesday at 12:01 when I am the only adult here.
AskMemzy grants permission and THEN SOME! What kinda party food are we talking here?
well - it just so happens that I have cream cheese, and salsa and ritz crackers. and they go together quite nicely. however, are usually considered "party food" and not "lunch" however - today - with your permission - they are indeed, my mid-day meal !
Memzy,
I have two questions-one more serious than the other?
How much TV time is too much? I mean really, how I am supposed to get anything done?
I need a new camera-I've seen your work and know you are just the person to ask. I want an everday use sort of camera? What kind is best?
Dear Memzy,
Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Why do people look at the prize in the kleenex after blowing their nose? What is the deal with Corn? Why do scientists feel the need to use Caesium atomic clocks to define a second when Timex makes a fairly descent product.
Inquisitively Yours,
Ahab the ponderer
I want to buy a treadmill and have been online forever looking for the right one on Craigslist. But I am not sure what is the best kind of treadmill. Then I remembered Memzy! So I hopped on over here to ask the expert.
Kristin--The tube is pretty much on non-stop in my house. Either the kids are watching it or it's background noise. So, yeeeah. There is no such thing as too much TV. See your site for my camera tips.
Ahab--You don't chew corn, you poo corn.
MM--I will relinquish my knowledge on this ONE piece of advice. I don't do treadmills. It's either outside running or some other exercise for me. Running on a treadmill is torture for me. Soooo....sorryfornoadvice.
Yawn am I late?????
Okay how in the world do you get certain loved people to not destroy the house when mom is sick in bed. Is being sick really worth it. . . No so how do you get rid of the flu--- please help my house has become a disaster in less then 24hrs and all I want to do is sleep
Landee in case you didn't know I am a blankie expert-- you have 2 of the fav blankie-- you travel with both in case you loose one and the of course have the extra one when number 1 needs to be washed-- I learnd with my second kiddo 2 blankies so much better then 1-- Just don't let them know they have 2 or they want both!
Dear Memzy,
#1 I know you get kudos when you do something nice for someone (MIL) with a good attitude. But what if you DON'T have a good attitude? Do you lose your kudos or do you actually get demarits? (Trying to adjust attitude as we speak).
#2 How long do you save your grandkids artwork taped to your kitchen wall? A day, a week, a month, forever?
Sorry, I mean demerit--not demarit.
#3 Why don't they have spell check on the comment page?
with spell check we couldn't use words like: sooper, srsly, flankalicious and askeered.(or at the very least it would try to correct us and who needs that sort of negativity) I would miss those words and we know that you meant demerit - we are all sooper smart and don't hold little typos against a person.
Um, Bailey (he's 11) gave us all the exact scientific reason birds can sit on the wire. I would share, but I already forgot. I do remember the superman answer though. He can fly here because the planet he was born on had a much greater gravitational pull than ours, therefore making ours seem featherlight. I should have probably put quotes on that.
Cyndi, Beebs has two blankets but she knows the differencen(I mean, one was bought a whole TWO weeks before the other one...completely different textures).
Sometimes the alternate is fine... sometimes it ain't.
Btw, I lied & said I didn't know where it was. It's now fresh as a daisy and everyone is happy again.
Thank you AskMemzy for the advice. You saved our family!
Dear Memz,
I have a real life question this time. I need one of your awesome tasty treat ideas to take to a recipe exchange night. I need it to be easy to make and dang tootin' good to boot. Can you help me...yes you can!
Anxious Annie
Cyndi--sleep away lady. Your house will be destroyed. Embrace it. Revel in it even. Your hubby should be in charge of helping clean it up. Give him my number if he needs a little "prompting" from AskMemzy. But srsly, you have the flu? Can anything else go wrong for you?
Carol/Mom--
#1:You totally get kudos for begrudgingly helping out a grouchy, non-full-thought-forming old lady. I think a GA said that at conference on Sunday. I'll find the quote for you.
#2: You save your grandkids artwork for a week MAX. Just enought for them to see it up there once or twice. SRSLY.
Hot Pants--wrong
Landee--yourwelcome for saving your family. It's what I do.
Annie--I have a few PERF recipes that will knock their socks off. But I will email them, mmkay?
Hey Memz,
I found the pillow. You're Good. It was in the bedroom.(downstairs)Thanks for the advice. Your a life saver!
By the way thanks for putting the picture of me blowing out my candles on your blog, I look sooo Hot!!!
So my question ....When should we have our New Kids on the Block video party? And should we invite the Men?
signed, NKOB biggest fan
NKOTB fan--I knew it.
And I'm thinking the guys wouldn't really appreciate the NKOTB but that's just a guess? You decide when. I'm in.
Memzy--Answer to #1--Phew!, #2--good advice. Check out my blog today :)
TESTIMONIAL -Okay - totally tried the chicken thing ! It was a HUGE success !! You should all listen to AskMemzy with unwavering faith. Her advice is completely reliable. My 8 year was making some bizarre, loud noise whilst playing on the comp and I began clucking and dancing like a chicken. He was awestruck and STOPPED MAKING THE NOISE !! Of course the rest of the family roared with laughter. But, I'll take family laughing over 8 year old "odd, loud noise making" any day !!
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