Yes, it's true you gize. TIT is officially, finally, and pretty awesomely B-A-C-K.
Through these last few months of taking time off from my advice giving career I've had time to regroup, re-invest in my "girlfriends" relationships, cook little to no real life food, live a large portion of the day in my swimsuit (thanks to "people with pools"), and basically build up even MORE smarts than I already had. If that's even possible.
It's like when Patrick Dempsey fell out of the spotlight from teen star in the 80's,.....took a break....gained some smarts.....and then BAM-------Dr. McDreamy. It's a necessary hiatus for the fans. And then we hit you with our best "hot doctor" that we can. Er. You get the picture.
I am going for whelming you here (as opposed to overwhelm you). I don't want your brains to completely overload and look like the pile of water logged Lucky Charms that I just found in my sink last night. Let's take it nice and slow, shall we?
Good Advice #1: Never underestimate the power of hot glue. Me and the hot glue gun have sort of been on the "outs" for years now. Due to my lack of crafting desire and general UN-need for the stuff since moving into the late 2000's and all, I even lost track of where my glue gun was located. Thanks to the move into our new house, which forced me to reorganize my life, and the soft spot in my heart for that tiny blue plug-in contraption...............I gazed once again into the eyes of my old friend and said, "lets start over...my name is Memzy and I'd be glad to hang out with you once in awhile if you are open to it". What do you gize think happened? That messy little glue gun jumped for joy and there you have it--friends again. From re-applying the plastic head of a transformer that isn't supposed to be transformed, to creating a no-sew (all but the hem which Aunt Visor so graciously did for me) soccer banner for the Volcanoes (pics to come soon), to "sewing" on the patches to my boys cub scout uniforms (waiting for the gasps from the crowd and making the "shhhh" motion with my finger),............there really isn't anything that glue gun can't do. So I implore all of you to find that glue gun, take it out, set it on the kitchen counter, plug it in and then apologize profusely for your neglect. Basically just keep it there cuz you'll find all new ways to use it you haven't even dreamed of.
Good Advice #2: Crystal Light totally counts as your water intake for the day. Aside from my bottle of water I chug whilst at the gym in the morning, I basically hate drinking water. Unless I'm hot and sweaty and burning calories the stuff just doesn't do much for me. But due to my love affair with Diet brown beverages over the last few years, I've struggled quite a bit on getting my "healthy" amount of water each day. Some of you may say, "Why Memzy, how on earth can you drink anything but clear liquids without artificial sweeteners in them?" ::giving Flem the don't even go there face:: My own husband can't stand drinking anything but water. It's a miracle we still like each other and stuff. But I digress. I've just come to know myself. This is who I am. I am an UNlover of water. In order to maintain my healthy balance I've found a solution. Crystal Light Strawberry Lemonade. It's practically a huge glass of water just with a little bit of flavor to make the swallowing more tolerable. So drink up to Crystal Light my friends. The water of the future!
Now I am pretty much wondering how you all have survived the summer without my advice. So let's just cut to it straight away. What can I do you for?
24 comments:
Dear Memzy,
What is the best way to thank the elementary school for participating in the "catalog of crud" fundraiser? Making a huge bonfire of all the catalogs during the lunch hour? Catalog hate speech at the next PTA meeting? Anti-catalog demonstrations at the kindergarten? My ideas just don't seem adequate. Please advise.
Sincerely,
Mean Mom that REFUSES to participate in such nonsense
I'm so glad you're back! Tuesdays weren't the same without you!
What do you when you're children come home everyday from school STARVING (it's almost as if they didn't even try the school's salisbury steak or green hotdogs), but it's only 2 hours before dinner? Should I listen to them scream and roll around holding their tummies until dinnertime or watch them eat an entire bag of potato chips only to say they aren't hungry when dinner's on the table? Please help!
Dear Memzy,
What do you do if your wife is brilliantly funny AND beautiful? Most guys are attracted to physical beauty but when you then throw in humor and smarts? It takes everything I have to not report to work so I can spend entire day staring and listening to her. Is it worth not making money to support the fam in order to spend time with a queen of hotness AND humor?
Very NICE mom that doesn't want to participate in school scam--Those are some really good ideas, any of which i might be inclined to advise you to do. However, I think the best option here is to train your children to scream "You are EVIL and you are scaring me!" and then run away crying when any such catalog of crud is mentioned at school. That or a handmade thank you card.
Vanessa aka Snack Situation--I have this same problem. My little ones are ravenous when they get home from school. You could approach this one of two ways, depending on how YOU, as the mom, want the day to be planned. #1) If you want dinner to be at the usual time and you've taken steps to prepare it then make them wait until dinner. When they roll around screaming and holding their bellies just hold up a picture of starving kids in Africa and make a single tear roll down your face. But (and this is very important) say not a single word about food. Kids really get that dramatic stuff. #2) If you don't feel like making dinner and haven't been to the grocery store in days and days (like, maybe, what happens to me a lot) let them have snacks when they get home. In fact, pour on the cheerful attitude and happy face. They'll think you are the best mom ever. And then you don't have to cook dinner that night (yay!). Instead, just heat up some frozen eggo waffles. Or top ramen.
^^^^^Morgan has the same problem, too.
Dear Memzy,
What should I do today? My house is trashed but all I want to do is re-read Hunger Games and pretend that I am Katniss.
Husband of hottie wife--Your wife sounds gorge! Not to mention witty and intelligent. I really can't blame you for wanting to stay home with her! But, considering yesterday was Labor Day I think you'll have to suck it up and spend just a few hours away from her. Absense makes the heart grow fonder,..or something like that.
Eek--Put on some brown stretch pants, a simple green tunic, and strap an orange backpack to your shoulders. It's Celebrate Katniss Day!!
Dear Memzy,
I personally am a water lover. But here's my question.
Can you give me any tips on how to survive/enjoy a tremendous amount of sleepiness? Last night was a rough one with my newborn.
OH MY GOSH!!! I must be getting smarter cuz, I totally figured out the crystal light thing this summer. EEEEEEK totally good advice.
Dear Memzy,
Is it really ok to use duct tape on a 4 year old?
Thanks,
Sickoflisteningtoawhiney4yearold
::chanting "TIT" over and over whilst pumping my fist::
Dear AskMemzy,
I've got 2.5 hours all to myself today, and lots of important junk to do. Should I attempt to get it all done, or take a 2.5 hour nap instead? Why am I so sleepy? I got 7.5 hours of sleep last night, and I didn't have to get up with MM's newborn even once.
Yours Truly,
Sleepykins
PS. I have multiple hot glue guns that I use on the regular. Cub scouts.
Dear Memzy,
How should I go about reading the much anticipated novel? I mean, should I devour it in one sitting (which I could easily do) or do I read it little by little savoring each page? Now that Peeta is back in my life I want him to stay for a little while longer.
So glad to have Ask Memzy back. Dad gave you a shout out from the office, "ASK MEMZY'S BACK". (I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd already read it on my rad iPone in bed this moring). And FYI--the hating water thing is genetic. Have you EVER seen Dad drink plain water? I think not.
Dear Memzy,
How do I adjust to having all grandkids back in school and thus less available to play with Gramma? Hmmm?
Dear Sleep Deprived/MM--I've heard people say "try to enjoy it, it goes by so fast". But that doesn't help you get from lunch to homework help to dinner prep without wanting to pass out. Obviously you need to drink less water and more caffeine.
Sickoflistening--Duct tape, like hot glue guns, have many uses. Just don't tape over his nose. Otherwise, have fun!!
Sleepykins--::pumping fist in time with yours:: More Diet Coke. Or nap. Might as well do whatever your little heart desires at that moment.
Dear Peeta Lover/Krissy--There is no stopping the HG/CF train once it has started. It isn't like you will have the willpower or physical strength to put the book down once you've started. So, I would suggest not starting it until you are prepared for what will happen.
Mom/AuntVisor/Gramma--Tell Uncle Visor thanks for that shout out. I can almost hear it echoing down my hall right now. As far as te grandkids are concerned, this is something we can definitely change. Playdates before Kindygarten with Char? Weekend activities? And until then just get a large chocolate shake with almonds from Dewars. That should do it.
awww memzy you are just in time, cuz I need some help major. Wat do I do when and 11 1/2 yr old boy gets kicked off the bus for a whole year? Because yes he can be a brat, but mostly the bus driver is a freak. I do not have a snow machine to take him to school on everyday this winter!!!!
Desperate in ID
1.1 BILLION
^^ that's how many people in this world don't have access to clean drinking water.
Dear AskMemzy,
Do you like Debbie Downers?
Signed,
Debbie
Desperate in ID---ooooh. This one is tricky. Either toilet paper the bus driver's house with a note that reads "what you did to us is pretty much like punching a baby seal in the face".....OR.......you show up at the school office with puffy red eyes (cuz you've been crying) and beg them to take your son back on the bus. I am also available to send threatening letters if necessary.
Debbie--No I do not like Debbie Downers. But you brought up a very good point. By me NOT drinking all that water I am saving it for them. And are they not alive still after UNdrinking water like me? Yes. For now. So thanks for that.
I have no clever questions to ask right now, but I had to let you know that I'm happy to have you back cause I'm always up for a good chuckle and I get one every time I Tune In on Tuesdays!
Really? Your back?! I never thought this day would come!
What are your favorite shows you are watching right now? We are in a major TV watching slump.
Is there another way to attach cub scout patches that I dont know about? I guess this is why we are girlfriends, only do things that make our lives easier.
Signed Girlfriend
http://thurstonians.blogspot.com/2008/09/you-dont-know-what-you-got-until-its.html <--Why I can't use a hot glue gun. Those scars run deep.
Dear Memzy,
I'm running out of legal threats to use on my kids to get them to go to bed.
Signed,
Not Wanting to go to Jail, just want my kids in bed.
PS,
I can now count Tuesday as a day of the week again.You.Complete.Me.
Dear Memzy, the return of your TITs is very exciting. Like the end of the summer when the shows start up again on tv.
My question is, my MIL is coming to visit in a week. Do I have to scrub out the inside of my refrigerator, or can I leave it the way it is now?
Stands
Mary--Good to hear from you! Always happy to give a good chuckle.
Emily--Well SYTYCD starts up again this week. Hollah!! And are you telling me you haven't watched "More to Love"? The chubby version of The Bachelor? Missing out my friend. Missing out.
BrBoys/Girlfriend--I know right?
No Jail Time Please--Make the law work FOR you in this case. Call around to find a "friend" who is also a police officer. Have him come over and give your kids a "talking to" about how they'll be put in joovy if they don't obey and stuff. Pay him with that delicious Mockinjay cake you made.
Stands--You flatter me. But srsly, only the parts of the fridge that are visible to the naked eye and/or will be used specifically by your MIL. That condiments filled fridge door can just be left to its own devices. You feel me?
Happy TIT! Hmmmm... I'm not much for hot glue in any circumstance ... and lately I've learned to enjoy a glass of ice water during the day.
I invite your blog readers to tune in a remarkable instrumental by MFSB that stirs memories of my college days!
peace, Villager
so I read that "TIT" was back and I thought for a split second that you meant a boobie was back...then I realized that it stood for tune in tuesday!
my bad!
Post a Comment