I know stuff. You don't know as much stuff as I know. Plain and simple. That's why you come to me for advice. That's why I'm here to give it. Don't you wish so many other things in life were that simple?
GOOD ADVICE #1: Don't throw out tiny toddler toys when your kids growed up. Even when your husband thinks you should give them away when you move into a new house 6 months ago. Even tho your youngest child is 5 and in Kindergarten. Because, one day.....when you are helping your 11 yr old with homework, trying to fix dinner, writing out a grocery list because you don't have the ingredient for dinner you thought you had, answering a phone call, and texting a friend (ahem....YOU) all at the same time......you will suddenly realize that your loud, energetic, often very-demanding-of-attention child will be doing this:
......and, in fact, has been doing it for almost 45 minutes.....quietly......It's worth it you gize. Totally. Worth it.
GOOD ADVICE #2: Please, I'm begging you, do NOT put a "humorous" bumper sticker or license plate cover on your car. B.E.G.G.I.N.G. I can appreciate someone who has such extreme confidence in her looks and attitude. Self confidence is such a wonderful thing, is it not? But I don't want you to tell me about it while I'm waiting for a green in the turn lane to the tune of "Chick with an attitude!" or "Always late but worth the wait". Or, even one of my top most annoying moving-vehicle literature reads of all time....."49% b****, 51% sweetheart". ::long pause for effect:: Is that girl serious?! Cuz nothing says "I wanna be friends with you" or "I wanna ask you out on a date" like that one. Being a non-crafter myself (though I'm working on that as seen in my last T.I.T), I have a great admiration from afar for those who do craft. But nothing makes me want to run away from a glue stick and decorative scissors more than "I brake for bead stores!". Today, I was driving down the road, minding my own business, listening to Michael Jackson "PYT" (no one can resist the p.y.t.) on my Rhapsody iPhone app , when I'm cut off by a massive SUV. On the rear window of this SUV is a gigantonormous bumper sticker with the words "Body piercing saved my life". This did not strike me as surprising necessarily after I was cut off by such a car I figgered it had to be a hooligan who has tattoos and body piercings galore. (Cuz we all know that people with that kinda stuff do bad things like smoke pot, steal from convenience stores and cut people off on the road. ::wink::). But upon further inspection I realized that above the words is an illustration showing an arm and hand, through which a large nail has been "pierced" through the wrist, blood dripping down. Aaaaaah. I get it now. Don't do it people. Resist the urge. No matter how witty or clever or socially impactful that bumper sticker or license plate cover may seem---You'll regret it. And I will be pulling out of the Sonic drive through in my sticker-free mini-van saying...."I TOLD YOU SO".
Now it's your turn. Let me at 'em.
14 comments:
Dear Memzy,
I always hate it when people send their kids to school sick, and then pass the illness onto my own innocent children. My poor little guy caught a fever yesterday from some sickie. My boy is fine and runs around cheerfully while drugged up on Tylenol, but as soon as it wears off . . . crying and sick. My question is: I have important plans today during kindergarten (like shopping and eating). Should I send my son to school today, on Tylenol of course, or should I be a "good" mother and sit at home with him while he runs around the house acting perfectly fine?
Vanessa-- I couldn't agree with you more. My own middle child, Cracker, is home right now with a nasty cold he "borrowed" from school. But since we have no control over other mothers infecting our perfect little children's bodies, I tell you this: If you can't beat 'em....join 'em. Shopping and eating are important stuff yo.
Dear Memzy,
I have a question for you. How do you tell your cute husband that when he thinks he needs to take pictures of people with abnormalities on his iphone, that it's not so cute and it's embarrassing! Does he really need a picture of a guy with a caterpillars for eyebrows or the guy at church who's crack is showing, or how about the girl on the side of the road that has a mini skirt, tube socks up to her thighs and flip flops. Help me out here. Sincerely,
An embarrassed wife
Glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks bumper stickers and crap are tacky.
Here's my question:
How should I respond to my 1st graders teacher when she tells me that he "needs more consistency at home?"
Seriously.
Dear Memzy,
Great advice this week, as expected. My question is, why does facebook bug the crap out of me? I'm trying to like it, trying to join the masses, but for some inexplicable reason it bugs me big time. I even bug myself when I update my own status. Maybe if I knew why, I could get over it.
Sincerely,
TooCool4FB
Dear Memzy,
Recently, a "friend" refered to my husband as . . . a not so nice word during a conversation while I was present. (I'm still aboslutely speechless!) I'm wondering if it is inappropriate to kick some bumb during friendly conversation because I'm pretty sure I could take her? Would it be more polite to simply point out her rudeness and remind her of the great restraint (and patience!)I've shown in not kicking bumb?
Speechless in SC
I once had a friend with bumper stickers all over the back of her way-run-down-piece-of-garbage car. The only one I remember (and may never forget) was "Out to get VD!" Begging for romance and the kind of guy you can take home to your parents, no?
I'm still trying to think of a question truly worthy of Memzy's T.I.T.'s. I'll get back to you. ;D
Jespy, I'm soooo on your team with Face Book. It try to like it. Just can't get in to it.
Memzy,
When is too much bacon, too much bacon. How much is OK to give my 5 year old grandkidlet when he asks for "more bacon please"?
I couldn't agree with you more on both accounts!! Toys are always handy for little vistors and people with those awful bumper stickers are just out right tacky!
Embarrassed wife--You can't change them. No matter what you say to the contrary. My own hubby happens to joke around with cashiers to the tune of "oh that card went through?!! WOW. Cool I just found it in the parking lot." Keep in mind he does this with an absolute expression of sincerity. So, my advice to you is this: walk away and pretend you don't know him. Or giggle stupidly like I'm sometimes known to do, with a "silly husband" look on your face.
Emily--Toilet paper their house. But srsly, ask them why they have such an idea since they've never actually BEEN to your house. And then toilet paper them.
ToolCool4FB--I share in your issues. The only advice I can give you is to embrace the annoyance. But basically, the reason why you are so bugged is b/c you are way too cool for anyone.
Speechless in SC--Well, I've known your hubby for a year or 5 and I've tried for hours now to think of just ONE "not-so-nice" word to describe your him. Turns out I can't come up with anything. This person is obviously a borderline retard. So, in this case, you should point out the rudeness, explain that you are basically going straight to the celestial for not kicking their bum, and then............show them your muscles to provide a reason in which to not repeat said offense. I've seen you work out and that would scare anyone away. I'm also available for a "tag team" situation should you need it.
StandsMom--You've proven my point yet again.
Mom/Carol/Aunt Visor--Refusing this particular grandkidlet bacon is basically akin to kicking baby puppy dogs. It just shouldn't be done.
Homegirl--I know right? Genius.
I once saw a bumper sticker that said "1 cross + 3 nails = 4given." Ugh.
Here's my question:
Why is Jespy so lame about FB?
Kthanksbye.
In the 70s, I had a home made sign in the back window of my car that said, "Only Visiting This Planet."
It was the title of a popular album at the time.
Ok, I have my question and it's a doozie. Are you ready? Ok, two questions.
First, when in the week is it too late to write in to T.I.T.? Is there a point when the question should just be reserved for the upcoming week?
Second, my husband wears awesome cologne. At least, I love it. But when he runs out, he pulls a bottle of Skin Bracer out from under the bathroom sink and puts that on. This is a major problem, cause all of a sudden, I'm surrounded by uncomfortable memories of some idiot boyfriend from high school. Bad enough that I've blocked most of it out. I still can't figure out who it was. Just that the smell way has to go. The first time, I popped back from the 'have a good day at work honey' hug and we discussed the problems with the skin bracer. The second time, I was disappointed that he still had it in the bathroom. I think from then on, it's my own fault. I can buy him new stuff, but why? Should I refuse to restock his cologne cause it's not my job? Should I secretly steal the skin bracer and throw it in the stinky trash where it belongs? Do you think he keeps it and puts it on to force me to run to the mall and buy him the good stuff? I'm so confused.
Stunk out
StandsMom/Stunk Out--TWO questions!! Wow. K, first of all, there is no time limit on TIT. It's totally up to you whether you ask it or wait until the following week. About the cologne thing. My advice is to throw that crap away. If the dood wants cologne he can go buy some hisself. Hopefully "dood" doesn't read this and will, therefore, not want to beat me up. Kthanksbye.
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