This is HUGE you gize! I have been lucky enough to convince the very famous Uncle Visor (my dad you people) to be a very special guest contributor on AskMemzy this week. Now you can see where I get some of my smarts from. With no further adieu....
I feel very honored to be invited to be a guest contributor to “Ask Memzy”. I only hope that my wisdom, wit and other stuff reaches her high standards of guidance to the needy. I thought that I would provide some basic “do’s and don’ts” that will help you on your journey down the bumpy road of everyday life. So here we go.
DO
*Eat chocolate in some form every 48 hours (except white chocolate which is just wrong)
*Download scriptures on to your iPhone (this justifies part of the cost)
*Burn more calories than you take in 6 days a week. (even God rests on the 7th day)
*Be kind to your neighbor—chew gum or take breath mints on the first Sunday of each month.
*Reduce your carbon footprint (if you can’t shrink your feet, don’t step in any ashes)
*Avoid any actions or conditions that would cause you to eat hospital food.
DON’T
*End a sentence with a preposition. (This is something up with which I will not put)
*Take cell phone pictures of people sleeping in church
*Covet thy neighbors’ stuff. (Stuff isn’t all it’s cracked up to be)
*Eat Brussels sprouts (ever)
*Take alternative exits from escalators
I have found that many people have a favorite number. Without arguing the relative merits of favorite numbers I simply offer the following. My brother was born on 4/4/44. Want to guess his lucky number? Personally, the number 8 has been my favorite for about 50 years. It may not be coincidental that my sweet wife and I were married on 8/8/69 (we didn’t want to wait until ’88). I wrote a poem in honor of the number 8 many years ago.
ODE TO EIGHT
Of all the numbers I contemplate,
I clearly favor the figure eight,
Whose curvy contours provide the fun,
That’s never found in the number one.
Or in a slouchy, saggy six,
Or other digits none of which,
Can be such a decisive tool,
As eight, when playing games of pool.
A nine, its true, may be worth more,
Than eight, but in the final score,
Everyone can surely see,
A sideways eight is infinity.
Uncle Visor—over and out.
Please feel free to ask your questions We are here for you.
18 comments:
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us Uncle Visor. You are truly as wise and wonderful man. Sure wish I had the priveledge and honor of meeting you.
LOVE the poem -- LOVE the advice. I especially agree with the white chocolate bit of advice! It shouldn't be allowed to be in the chocolate category. But about the no cell phone pix of people sleeping in church -- I've found that those pix are very useful as blackmail!! Especially when you tell the offender that it may end up on the Ward Christmas slide show.
Uncle Visor, I was completely offended by your white chocolate comment. In the words of Stephanie Tanner, How rude!...Towards white chocolate, of course. I will also keep in mind not using alternative exits to escalators.
Dear Ask Memzy,
I have a cracked heel so deep that I can barely walk. How do I get over my aversion to shoes and socks so that I don't have to experience the excruciating pain of a cracked heel ever again.
That poem could be in a Shel Silverstein book and no one would even bat an eye. Love it!
Why is it that I don't mind hospital food? Oh that's right, it's cuz at least I didn't have to fix it myself.
Dear AskM/UV,
My nine year old recently filled out his bracket for the NCAA tourney. He has BYU beating NC in the finals. He apparently thinks they will have no problem with Connecticut, Purdue, Memphis and Louisville along the way either. How do we let him know this could NEVER happen with out making him cry? He's such an optimistic little Cougar.
Forever Blue in Denvah.
What a nice daddy to share his wisdom! I must say I highly agree with the white chocolate comment, waste of calories for me!
Oh. My. Gosh. Uncle Visor? How did you get such a sweet gig like this?
It is now so obvious where Memzy gets her great insight. I am still not completely sure what a preposition is. Maybe that could be one of my questions.
Other, more pressing, question: If I get an iphone for myself, for my birthday, does that release my husband from liability?
Wow. UV. ::pinching myself::
What a great treat. Love the advice and have to agree with homegirl and you that white chocolate is a waste.
I just thought you might enjoy knowning that Chunky was born on 8/18/05 @ 8:18 (kindred spirits?). Thanks for the advice I completely enjoyed it! Lunch on friday??? ( I have to keep up on the wisdom) Amy
Memz and UV,
I've struggled because my honey is allergic to cocoa beans. Therefore, he prefers white chocolate. I believe it is a gross exaggeration to use the word chocolate, but can't figure what a replacement name could be instead. Any thoughts? Also, I would love some advice on when to use or not use an apostrophe after a name, (i.e. Memzy's Blog). I just throw it in there every time. Is that wrong?
You know I really love that dad of yours! Thanks for all the wisdom :)
Dear Uncle Visor,
I recently ate an entire box of yellow chocolate sunflowers with crunchy mint flakes that husband brought home for me from his trip to Portland. They were the best chocolates I've ever had, I can't stop thinking about them... but they're expensive, fattening, and... yellow. So confused. Should I order more of these mysterious yellow chocolates online, or try to put them out of my mind?
Signed,
Steadily gaining weight in LV
So, UV has asked me to provide the answers for you gize. His typing fingers aren't that great and stuff. But how good is his advice tho right?
Pearl Girl--maybe someday right you can meet the famous UV. ::crossing fingers::
Vanessa--I think UV was excluding pics of your own fam for blackmail purposes. Or WAS he? ::giggle::
Eek--Stephanie Tanner rules. About your heel: Didn't you hear from Tina Fey on 30 rock? Socks with sandals is the new thing. Lather up some cream on that puppy, cover it with puff painted sockies and fashion your way to a new you.
Dear Forever Blue in Denvah--::sigh:: Poor Jbird. Well, win or lose, the goal here is to keep him a die hard Cougs fan forev. So, I'm guessing the best route is for you and Gty to paint your tummies Cougar style and play shocked when they lose. Then take him out to ChickFilA to dull the pain.
Homegirl--so true. so true. And good to see you around these parts.
Katie--Flem taught me way back in college about my grammar and how to not end a sentence with it. I can't tell you exactly what it is cuz I hate grammar but I will tell you this: Don't ever say things like, "Where do you want to meet at?" to Flem ("at" being the preposition) And about your iphone. I'm considering ANY reason for you to get an iphone a good one. So, if it makes Tom feel better being released of liability then yes, yes it does.
Urmston Girl--Don't you just love UV?
Br Boys--Doyee. Lunch on Friday. Even SASsafrass down there is thinking of joining us with her new baby. Hooray!
SitDownMom--I am so blown away by your humility. Did you marry that guy KNOWING he was allergic? Wow. ::shining your halo:: And when in doubt---apostrophize. That's my's motto's.
SAS--It's impossible NOT to love him no?
Dear Slowly Getting To a Regular Healthy Weight--In order for them to be YELLOW they would have had to start by being WHITE chocolate. In which case, no don't ever eat them again. You might grow a tail and then start silflaying or something. < - that was a totally random reference to Watership Down that I just finished because I'm trying to look at the good in books.
Funny thing, I was going to ask if it would be smarmy of me to download scriptures on my iphone, and low and behold I was told to before I even asked!!!! UV, you are a mind reading genius!
I'm really liking Uncle Visor. He needs to be a regular! I hope everyone took note of the fast Sunday breath mint advice...including my hubby.
I was hanging onto his every word! I love that dad of yours!!
I can't believe I missed TIT. Of all weeks to be so busy I couldn't take a min. to check in. Now I think I know where you get all you wisdom from Memzy. Great, Great advice U.V.
Post a Comment